Health & Fitness Tips #13-#14

by nicolecallihan

From the Belgian aesthetician who painted me in warm algae and wrapped me in Saran Wrap:

13. Begin every day with an eyedropper-full of liquid oxygen. Put it into your water (see fitness tip #1!); do not stir. This will, apparently, make you live forever.

14. While sipping your liquid-oxygen-infused-water, contract your gluteal muscles. (Heck, do it now! In fact, do it any time you think of it.) Cellulite–and I apologize for typing out such an ugly word–is drawn to flat surfaces. Rounded surfaces receive far less of the unattractive stuff, so rounded bum equals smoother bum equals perhaps a generally happier person though surely I shouldn’t bring happiness into this because, lordy, what kind of a woman equates happiness with glute contractions?