Week 38

by nicolecallihan

This morning’s email tells me that my baby is now the length of a leek; but, try as I might, I can’t imagine the length of a leek; it seems too small; it seems as if we’ve gone backwards, as if the peppercorn-cum-plum-cum-peach stage shouldn’t be such a distant memory. Two nights ago, I slept fitfully, and in the earliest hours, I woke up and reached for my belly. I had been sleeping in a strange position, a position that when I reached for her made her so much smaller, and the room was dark and I was still half-dreaming, and it seemed, if only for a second, she was gone. In that moment my heart broke a thousand times. I suppose my body is trying to prepare me for all the love I’ll feel towards my daughter; God, I hope I can handle it.