The Blue Pitcher

that which may be filled and emptied

Category: Health

Health & Fitness Tips #13-#14

From the Belgian aesthetician who painted me in warm algae and wrapped me in Saran Wrap:

13. Begin every day with an eyedropper-full of liquid oxygen. Put it into your water (see fitness tip #1!); do not stir. This will, apparently, make you live forever.

14. While sipping your liquid-oxygen-infused-water, contract your gluteal muscles. (Heck, do it now! In fact, do it any time you think of it.) Cellulite–and I apologize for typing out such an ugly word–is drawn to flat surfaces. Rounded surfaces receive far less of the unattractive stuff, so rounded bum equals smoother bum equals perhaps a generally happier person though surely I shouldn’t bring happiness into this because, lordy, what kind of a woman equates happiness with glute contractions?

Health & Fitness Tips #8 thru #11

When trying to attain a “buff bride” body, steer clear of any cardio classes which contain the words “blast,” “boot” or “suicide.” If you do take such a class, do not opt for a burrito while limping home from the gym. If you must get the burrito, do not ask for extra sour cream. If all else fails, make sure you put the burrito on beautiful China and eat it with a knife and fork. Candles are, of course, optional.